New Swoon: A New Moon Parody
by xxWritingGirlxx
Summary: A New Moon parody, obviously! :) Bella Duck and Jacob Brown are back! You want to hear about Edwardo? Sorry, he's off protecting Bella from paper cuts. Rated T for paranoia, I hope you find it funny! Please R&R! :)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My take on… New Moon! :) Reviews are appreciated SO, SO MUCH! I'll love you as long as a vampire lives! I hope you enjoy this:**

I was 99.9 percent sure I was dreaming. The reason? It would be so easy and cliché to start out with a dream sequence.

My Gran was there, who was a ghost (I assumed) now. I was going to ask her some questions, like- why would she leave me with my parents? Did heaven have vampires?- but then I heard an angelic, beautiful, preternatural, desideratum, anodyne voice.

It was a voice I'd jump off a cliff for, or less dramatically, kill myself for. Edwardo. I panicked.

Gran was standing right there! Glittery skin would not go down well with Gran. Once I wore glittery eyeshadow, and she threatened me with her cane to wash it off, so I knew Edwardo would make her even angrier.

Then I realized I was Gran, looking into a mirror. Oh god, I was old. Creased and withered, dead by the age of 18, my obituary would say. Too bad she didn't get turned into a vampire, because now she'll forever remain ancient in the eyes of the people she loved.

* * *

I woke up with a start. But I was still so _old_. I stared at my face. Now that I was officially 18, I could pinpoint new wrinkles on my forehead whenever I scrunched up my face. Edwardo and his family would never have that because of the botox!

I skipped breakfast because I didn't feel like eating prunes and headed to school, driving at 2 miles an hour; I figured I should get used to that speed.

Finally, I arrived and spotted Edwardo, who looked even better than the last time I described him with a repetitive, long-winded description.

I sighed, not quite believing that 6 whole months had passed and I still hadn't gotten a proposal out of him.

Alice was also there, holding a _gift_. I had specifically told her not to get me a gift, because then I would remember that it was the day I was born, which was a depressing moment for millions of people.

"Happy 18th birthday!" she said brightly. I shushed her.

"Shut up! No one must know! Let's pretend I'm really 5," I hissed.

"But-"

"Shh," I replied. Alice shrugged.

"Well, I hope you'll find my gift better than your parent's. I mean, a scrapbook? What, you're going to document how many boys ask you out this year?" Alice rolled her tawny eyes. Edwardo glared at her.

"It's a good idea. High school is a, ahem, human experience!"

"Edwardo, how many times have you gone to high school?"

"Well, uh… that's not relevant! It's for your _soul_," he cried.

"Oh god, I'm so old," I complained, not able to hold in the angst any longer.

" 're 18, and you're practically having a midlife crisis," Alice pointed out, "soon you'll be buying a sports car and wearing huge Gucci sunglasses."

"It's older than Edwardo!" I protested.

"Well, he's technically 175, give or take a few years, but don't let me get in the way of your uncalled for pity party." I shuddered. Alice was just making me feel even older.

"So when are you coming over for the party?" Alice asked brightly. I'm not sure why she thinks a party would raise my spirits. I'm Bella Freaking Swan, the Master Angster. It makes me so angstry!

"I have to watch Romeo and Juliet," I said.

"Please. You've watched it over and over again, you can quote it," Alice countered. Unfortunately, she was right.

"OK, fine, I can… 'To be or not to be, that is the question'," I admitted.

"Um… that's Hamlet."

"Right. I knew that," I replied.

"Well, Bella, that settles it. I'm bringing you to the party at 7 against your will. This should be fun for you!" Edwardo smiled, and I just sighed.

Luckily, after that no one mentioned my birthday anymore. We sat at our usual table for lunch. There was a weird truce at the table. On the days Edwardo was there, I would ignore my friends and talk to him. On the days he skipped school, I would sit there awkwardly because none of my friends wanted to talk about how hot the Sullens were all the time for some weird reason.

After school, Edwardo arrived at my house looking like a god, crossed with a more attractive god, whose sister was also an attractive god, and mated with an even more angelic, attractive god, who gave birth to an attractive god, who mated with the uncle of the first god, who gave birth to an attractive god named Edwardo.

We went in to start watching Romeo and Juliet. Edwardo appeared… jealous.

"I envy Romeo. I wish suicide was easier for vampires," Edwardo sighed.

"WHAT?!" I exclaimed. Edwardo's face remained eerily calm.

"Last spring, when you were nearly killed, I considered it instead of rushing to save you."

"WHY?!" I gasped.

"Bella, I wasn't going to live without you! And suicide is VERY romantic," Edwardo explained. I shrugged, it seemed legitimate. Maybe the logic was _slightly _flawed, but…

Unfortunately, the conversation ended because Charles came home. He was always such a nuisance. I tried to make him sleep at the police station by luring him with donuts, but I guess it didn't work.

"Hey, Charles, can I borrow Bella for the evening, if you know what I mean?" Edwardo winked. Charles thought about it for all of a second.

"Eh, that's fine, there's a game on, so I'll be unable to be a fit parent. Don't forget to use protection!" Charles called. He plopped down on the couch and ignored us. As we ran off, I vaguely heard him add, "-against paper cuts!". Although that might just have been my imagination.

When we arrived at the party, I saw Alice had covered everything in pink. When I saw it, I quickly decided it was my least favorite color so I could complain.

My first package was a brand new stereo for my truck. I actually liked the gift, a first for me. _Jasper _even cracked a smile at my reaction!

The next package was really hard to open, and I got a paper cut.

"Huh, that's some sharp wrapping paper," I commented. A drop of the blood fell to the floor, and Edwardo screamed. He pushed me into glass, because making me bleed more was going to be helpful.

Jasper jumped in the air, heading toward me. Edwardo fought him off, luckily.

"GO EDWARDO!" I yelled from my place on the floor.

Jeez. This all made me wonder how they reacted at blood drives.


	2. Chapter 2

Edwardo took me out to the woods after Carlisle patched me up. He said it was "life or death", although I'm pretty sure it was life or death about 5 minutes ago.

"Bella, this is all your fault. Only you could get a paper cut from wrapping paper. Now I have to leave you without my protection for your own safety."

"I didn't think all this would happen! Besides, when I nicked my leg shaving and went to your house, no hungry vampires came after me!" I cried. Edwardo shook his head slowly.

"You don't understand… the plot device wasn't in effect until now. Plus, Jasper keeps satisfying his hunger with eating the family dog whenever you come over, and frankly it's depressing. We have to keep buying a new one. Plus we have to do dishes when you come over. I never realized just how annoying washing dishes is. Rosalie keeps pressuring me to get you pregnant, but I have to postpone THAT at least until all your relatives are dead. I'm sure I'll get over my, ahem, confusion by then-"

"EDWARDO!" I interrupted, "OK! But I'm still your life, right?" I stared at him, willing him to stay. There were dire consequences if he didn't, I was sure, like more books.

"I'm, sorry… no," Edwardo answered, looking away, "and, technically, I'm actually undead-"

"Yeah, yeah, just leave, so I can curl up on this nice bed of leaves," I said, falling. I was still delirious from the medicine Carlisle had given me, so I actually tried to punch Edwardo in the face. Instead, my hand bent in a weird angle. Edwardo gasped and examined my hand thoroughly.

"It'll be OK, it's a clean break," he whispered, then went off into the night. I curled up in my pile of leaves, numb. Partly because of my warring emotions… but mostly because of my hand.


End file.
